Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Donkeylock to a figure-pi

The party was going great. That's until Fred started in about his epic ascent of the pink route.

The crowd starts slowly thinning out. Someone notices that the door frame has a thin edge, followed closely by the sudden discovery that it also has a weak attachment to the door. When you look up from the floor, brushing off the remains of 60 years of rotten plaster and looking through a haze of chalk, the office acquaintances have long since snuck away with your college friends, and the average level of general intelligibility and hygiene has dropped severely

Congratulations! You have successfully alienated almost everyone. But let's be honest, it's for the best. We can climb if we want to. We can leave your friends behind. 'Cause your friends don't climb, and if they don't climb, then they ain't no friends of mine.

But before you feel too proud of yourself, just remember one thing: alienating all your non-climber friends is easy; alienating climbers is a true test of crushnasticity. You need to up your verbal game.

Climb-speak is an unholy union of Sean Paul lyrics and the Jabberwocky being shouted by California frat boys. It changes annually, right around the time that Reel Rock tour hits your town, and gets exponentially stupider with every iteration. I swear to god I am going to drown a climbing camp kid in a bucket of vacuumed gym dust the next time I hear someone talk about how "splitter" the weather is.

In order to save us from ourselves, we have to make climbspeak sound so astoundingly stupid that no one could possibly use it. We would thus like to introduce the latest weapon in our holy war: "donkeylock to a figure-pi."

How to use it:

Situation #1: Mating season
That girl with the lulu lemon tights and the boyfriend you are ignoring is being flocked by a gaggle of beta-honking man-geese. Above the din, a voice is heard. "Donkeylock to a figure pi." At this point, one, maybe more, of four things will happen, 1) everyone will realize they sound like hyenas in heat and shut the fuck up, 2) she'll stop listening, 3) she'll fail to stop listening and get hilariously frustrated, or 4) people will chip in with more fabulous beta spray.

Situation #2: Silent insertion
Your friend wants a play-by-play spray down. Slip it into a long description of moves. The key here is discretion and subtlety. If you're on the ground, and there are motions going along with your beta, make sure that they are never the same twice when going over this section. The goal is to make it sound so obvious that he/she won't ask you what you are talking about, for fear of sounding uncool. Naturally, if he/she does ask, open up the heckle taps.

Situation #3: The head shot
Wait until your partner is already on route. Give excellent beta throughout the climb just until the crux, then let it rip. Savor the moment just as you partner loses it. If on the off chance they make the move and accidentally invent a donkeylock and figure pi, tell them their beta was stupid and wrong. NEVER admit defeat.

Show that beta dogger you're the alpha dog. Go forth and spray, my pretties.

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