Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Climbing blogs

Do you own a computer? Does your helmet have more climbing brand stickers than plastic? Do you actually think that people want to listen to you? You should start a blog! It's totally easy and will bring tons of meaning to your climbing and the internet will be really polite and will thank you for your contributions, right? Guys?

Tip #1: Don't fucking start a blog.
Seriously. Don't do it. If your blog is bad, it will eat your time, no one will read it, and you'll lose money. If your blog is good, it will eat your time, people will whine that you don't post enough, and you'll still lose money. We started this blog with the express purpose of getting dolla dolla bills y'all and getting laid. And since you're almost certainly a broke-ass dude in his mid twenties sporting a beard, I think I'll stick to the regular kind of masturbation.

Tip #2: Be insanely awesome
It's like the prom for internet climbers. If you want to get readers, you need to be awesome at climbing. We're talking so good as to break the very laws of physics. Daniel Woods, for example, is so awesome that he can have a tattoo on his back which is taller than him. Sasha DiGiulian has become the corporeal form of the color pink. Adam Ondra is technically a reanimated demon muppet freed from the bonds of his master's hand. Technically.

You'll need a pair of pecs large enough to give you back problems and at least one shirt with which to film yourself taking it off. You'll need sponsors, a crew of loyal photographers, an iphone with which to update your 8a.nu account, and your friend's fingers to count as high as the grades you'll be sending.

Unfortunately, since you, and everyone else, suck at climbing, your other option is being really witty. See #1 for details.

Tip #3: Yeah, you made a blog anyway
I've taken the liberty of paraphrasing your blog below:
April 17, 2006: ZOMG welcome to my new blog! Hurray! Not really sure what to write here. I love climbing sooooo much, it just feels so free and wonderful! LOLZ!
September 2, 2006: Hey guys, I know it's been a while since my last post! So I went on this EPIC climbing trip, and we totally didn't have headlamps and EPIC-ed. IT WAS EPIC!!!!! 
February 20, 2007: Man, I can't believe I haven't posted in forever! Sorry! I promise I'll post more soonsies!!!
End of blog.
Listen sloperslapper69,* no one wants to read your shit. Your blog is splattered with the word "epic" and cliches like it's the smelly kid at a paintball game, your adventure posts should begin with a disclaimer: "DO NOT operate heavy machinery after reading," and for fuck's sake learn the meaning of the word "brevity."

You should try making films instead. We hear that's easy.

* Has this not been taken yet?? I need that username NOW.

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