Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Tights



Tuesday
We have spilled a lot of ink (and probably hopefully offended more than a few people) in our discussion of the mesh shortsclimbertoe and belay bulge issues which are currently plaguing the climbing community. After all, it's been the hot topic of discussion near and far. But after some introspection and honest talks amongst ourselves, we decided that the answer to the inevitable question, "what pants should I wear climbing?" is simple: tights.

That's right, tights. Or as the Brits call them, leggings. (This is an important distinction. Ask Shoo about how his new English friends thought he'd show up in pantyhose.) Tights for men, tights for women, tights for everyone! No more mesh bulges, no more constricted movement and lots more climbertoe for all!

You may be wondering how this squares with our hatred of mesh shorts. Mesh shorts create a fake bulge. Tights show the real thing. Go big or go home.

Some tights blend in with the rock...
...while others contrast.
Now I know you're thinking that tights went out of style along with high-top climbing shoes right about the time Cliffhanger came out. That's probably because after Sly Stallone wore them, tights had reached their stretching point and no one could compare afterwards. Well, times have changed and while his masculine bulges still receive high honors in the tights hall of fame, the current generation of climbers has gone back to the spandex to share their variously shaped lady humps and man bumps with the world.

The more slim fitting, genital outlining, and brightly colored the tights, the better. The form fitting style makes your harness a cinch to get on and without bunching, it is more comfy. As you move, the tights don't restrict how far you can stretch to get a toe on the that hold. Simply put, tights are the tits and you should probably wear them everywhere, all the time.

Of course, we can't simply endorse something without a helpful hints so here are some guidelines for living the tight life:
Some are useful for illumination
  • There is a thriving market for the more extreme styles out there. Check out "runningfunky.com" and the like for some pretty sweet patterns and colors.
  • If you're handy with a needle and thread, you can make your own damn tights. Get creative and use the most outlandish pattern you can find or make the legs out of different patterns, whatever, just make sure the crotch seam is securely sewn up. Or don't.
  • Nothing honors the climbers of earlier eras like vintage, shiny lycra tights. Scour your local thrift store or your mom's dresser for these rare gems. Just ignore the discoloration in the crotch, those are merely the stains of achievement.
  • Ladies, you may already be used to tights from when your mom used to dress you, going to yoga and that leggings-ugg boots-north face jacket combo that was popular but we're looking for the extra mile here. Get real loud and bright with those patterns and let your inner aerobic instructor shine through. If you don't feel empowered, you're not doing it right.
  • Gents, you are probably not used the feeling of wearing tights. It'll be like climbing a tall arete for the first time; you'll feel exposed and naked to the world. As you get used to it, your anxiety will fade and  you'll learn to enjoy the embracing feel of stretchy fabric all over your junk. Embrace it back and all will be good--confidence is key.
  • Most important of all, nothing underneath. No one likes a cheater.

3 comments:

  1. I think you're missing out if you're not climbing in a pair of these:

    http://www.blackmilkclothing.com/collections/leggings/products/muscles-leggings

    -quarks

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. reminds me of this guy:
      http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_RVgkANSnM70/ShyuMS6WlHI/AAAAAAAABUA/4tCYaJrkJKw/s400/370066086_ba139b5415.jpg

      Delete
  2. Here's an update from the "climbing in the 80's" FB page:
    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=316561825076666&set=a.270388289694020.62421.178411122225071&type=1&theater

    one question: is that a man or woman modeling those tights? the ass is oddly shaped.

    ReplyDelete