Monday, May 7, 2012

Climbing News: Boulderer Saved at Loss of Wholesome Sandwich

Here at Asshole Climbers we have the luxury of putting a fun spin on a sport that is, at times, taken a bit too seriously. There are serious occasions however that shake our community and even we need to set aside the fun and mockery. This, unfortunately, is one of those times.

Today we have some tragic news to share with our readers; a turkey, avocado sandwich on honey oat bread was lost this weekend, spotting its maker on a 16 foot high-ball.

On this unlucky day, one boulderer dared to wake up a bit earlier to forgo the usual Dunkin Donuts bagel for lunch. He went past the jar of peanut butter, pile of Builder Bars, bag of bulk dried fruit and all natural Turkey Jerky and straight for the top shelf ingredients: turkey, honey oat bread, spinach, hummus, avocado and spicy mustard.

It's a cruel world to rob a climber of cherished shut-eye and fresh produce; a truly a tragic loss.

We here at Asshole Climbers want to applaud you boulderer, and encourage you to not give up on the pursuit of a wholesome lunch. We know it's hard, but you must forge ahead. If it's any consolation, we're confident that if it had been a jar of peanut butter or crusty bagel you had landed on, it would have meant a broken ankle. Just another reason to opt for foods that provide more cushion for the push'n.


  1. This is a travesty. Not so much for the loss of a sandwich, and trust me, I have the utmost respect for sammiches, but the fact that it was made with 3 spreadable condiments. Where's the justice for the turkey? Its flavor is lost amongst the sea of creamy deliciousness. Oh sure, you'll use its vital nutrients and high density protein for all of your biological needs, but are you going to come away feeling like that farm-raised turkey gave its life for a good cause? Doubtful.

    Truly, I respect the mournful sentiment of this post. I just hope the same respect is shown for the nitrate filled turkey.

    Dave The Sammich Lover.

    1. Dave,

      While I'm all for preserving the sanctity of sandwich (A sandwich should be between one meat, one cheese and one condiment, like God intended!!!!), your outrage is sorely misplaced here. There is only one condiment on that sandwich: mustard.

      From the accident report, we can infer that the avocado was still in solid form and your assumption that it was spreadable is an insult to the memory of its ripeness. Secondly, hummus is by no means a condiment, following the classic rule - "If it's weird to put on your hot dog or french fries, it's not a condiment."

      And lastly, we don't believe in coddling our lunch meats. We feel that any meat worth eating should be able to withstand an onslaught of delicious flavors. I think, rather than criticizing our sandwiches, you should take a good hard look at yours and think about what kind of person you want to be.

      Lunchingly yours,

    2. Yeti,

      I must apologize. It's just, I too am going through a rough time right now. Just several days prior, half of a loaf of homemade banana bread suffered the ultimate sacrifice, and at my own 2 hands nonetheless.

      I forgot to refrigerate it. I let the scrumptous loaf of carbohydrates and walnuts linger. It was always there for me, longing for my attention, asking to be held, to feel my hot breath upon its crust. But no. I shunned it. I shunned it for being high in calories at a time I was trying to cut back.

      Finally, on the day I deserved a little treat, I gently unfolded its tin foiled protective covering, only to find that an unrepairable amount of mold had begun growing. It had to be tossed.

      I don't know where I'm going to go after this. Perhaps a long look in the mirror as you suggest. I just hope you excuse my faux pas. It is clear I was jumping to un-thought-out conclusions, especially about the avacado.

      Remorsefully yours,
      Dave The Banana Bastard

  2. We're here for you Dave, you hypocritical sandwich asshole, you!