Monday, April 2, 2012

Ode to the dude bouldering in a harness

The other day in the gym I was having a session
Getting thrown off my project and feeling depression
In the corner of my eye, I spied some dude trying his darndest
But for some reason he was bouldering in a harness!

His red coyote lace ups were grasping for purchase
Every move he made was a lunge made in earnest
His effort was heartwarming but it just felt wrong
Why the fuck was he bouldering with a harness still on??

Dude, your ATC is weighing you down
And did you steal those shoes from a clown?
Do you just like how the harness bunches up at your crotch?
Like passer-bys at a car crash, I couldn't help but watch

I was on the verge of asking these questions out loud
When he fell and landed on his chalk bag, creating a cloud
As I coughed and hacked the magnesium carbonate air
I started to wonder If perhaps I was being unfair

I mean here's this guy who's genuinely trying
Its not his fault that he sucks at climbing
And thinks it's fine to wear a harness on V1
But you know what? Fuck it. Making fun is fun.

I turn to my friends and we share a little smirk
Then I flash his "project," just to be a jerk
You can call me a brat, a showboat, a rascal
in the end I know, I'm just a huge asshole


  1. Technically climbing chalk is made of magnesium carbonate, not calcium carbonate. But in the end, I'm just a nit-picking geochemist asshole.

    1. I guess I was just that asshole not paying attention in chem class. Thank you for dropping knowledge anonymous.

      Both is called chalk.

  2. A companion poem might be "Guy Who Rolls up to the Sport Crag with a Crashpad"...

  3. Dude - crashpads are way-recommendo revisionisms on many tricky Gunks starts ...

  4. well at least you know what you are

  5. honest, asshole... it's such a fine line.

  6. I have done that in fact that could have been me? I do have trouble climbing as I weigh in at about 200lbs so when I take a break from the top rope I keep training by adding weight to my harness not dress in light weight dance skins like you girls do.

    So here is my ode to us climbing newbies

    Climbing a rock I imagine myself a Spiderman
    So far from that goal but persist on I will

    Back again and again until my hands are raw
    falling, chalk flying this V1 shold not be a big deal

    I can hear those around
    They must think me the clown

    As I hear the snickers of those that think themselves cool
    Little do they realize most think them a big tool

    Perhaps I am slow and heavy but I have the heart
    To be a real climber despite these juviniles that think themselves so smart.

    They call themselve assholes as if self-deprication is new
    Guess what doucebag it's only new to you.

    Perhaps this new sport gives me fits
    But put asshole and me in the ring and he will meet my fists

    Then suddenly this tortoise will see the win
    As the rabbit shows he's an asshole yet again and again

    1. Oh so you're trained as a boxer

    2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  7. i doubt he knows what a project is... and if your talking about flashing a v1 then your just as much of a gumby as he is !