Monday, March 5, 2012

Frozen Foods

Inspired by my first ice climbing trip, here's my list of foods that don't do well in frozen conditions:
  • Shot blocks; they get weirdly firm like when you're a kid and you tried eating something that looked and felt like candy but was actually plastic.
  • Protein bar; when cold, the original power bars were notorious for teeth pulling awfulness but even today's fancy soy protein treats pose as great a risk to your pearly whites as the adz on your ice tool.
  • Muffin leftover from breakfast; it seems really confused by what is happening and as a result, it loses interest in being delicious.
  • Beer; you put that sixer in the car so you'd have some victory juice when you're done. You haul out of the woods, open the trunk and...there's frozen beer, shards of glass and unhinged disappointment all over your "dry" clothes and street shoes. Fail on so many levels.
  • Bananas; George Bluth Sr. tells us that there's a lot of money in frozen banana stands but have you ever actually seen a frozen banana? The peel turns a very unappetizing shade of brown and the consistency is all wrong. Unless you're blending it for a smoothie or daquiri, "tropical" fruits should be kept in their natural habitats.