Thursday, December 27, 2012

Pieces of Shkit #5: Endeez

Every once in a while, an innovator comes along and totally changes the sport of climbing forever.  Ray Jardine did it with the spring-loaded camming device.  Yvon Chouinard did it with the front-pointed crampon.  Both of these visionaries saw an technological deficiency and surmounted it, to the benefit of all climbers.  And now, while the rest of the industry fights over ounces and millimeters, one daring innovator dares to tackle the greatest gear-related problems of our time.

I present to you - SMC Endeez.  Metal tubes designed to screw onto the ends of your rope to indicate.... uh.... the ends of your rope.

Not pictured: Ribbed Endeez, For a More Pleasurable Rappel Experience.
Personally, I'm amazed that up until now, no one has thought of a better way to prevent the ends of the rope from passing through a belay device.
Is than an Endeez on your rope or is that Cinch just happy to see me?
And just think of all the added safety to your rappels that you could never have had before.

And the fact that all you need to take with you and never lose out at the crag is a miniscule hex key! What could be simpler?

And all at a total retail price of $20?  What a steal!  It's not like you could replicate the functionality for less, and definitely (k)not for free.

Plus, SMC says that it's "ideal for use as a backup knot while climbing."  And since we're never ones to pan gear without fully testing out all of it's functionality, we asked one of our sponsored athletes to give us his impression of the device.  He had this to say:
All smiles for the Endeez


(P.S.  What is the singular form of Endeez?  Endee? Endo?  Or is Endeez already singular? If so, would it be Endeezes?  I'm really not sure.  It's late and I just got hit in the head by the metal tube attached to my rope.)

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Yeti

You may be wondering what kind of depraved souls would write for a crappy little blog that exists mainly to irritate you. We're kicking off a series describing exactly what kind of assholes we are, without consent or prior knowledge by the accused.

Ladies and gentleholes, may I present: YETI


Yeti is manlier than you can ever hope or want to be. He is known for producing extraordinary quantities of gas from all ends. Yeti has so much body hair that sexual intercourse is considered too dangerous for most human beings for fear of rugburn. Relatedly, he is legally required to notify all neighborhood sheep of his presence.

Yeti’s climbing profile is most notable for his uncanny ability to convince you to do stupid shit that you know you shouldn’t be doing, including sketchy mixed in the winter and injury dynos in the gym. The only thing that he breaks faster than your tendons is your ropes. In the past year, he has coreshot a total of 4 ropes in one year, only one of which was his own. Asshole.

Yeti’s most notable contributions to AssholeClimbers.com are stewardship of our uncharitable arm, the Charity Formerly Known as Asses Fund, and crashing on our couches. You can contact him anywhere an inconveniently odd number of climbers can be found.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

AC Glossary: Douchecrag

Douchecrag, noun
          Definition:

  1. Any climbing area excessively populated by asshole climbers, shirtless broulderers, clueless chuffers or beta spitting locals.
    Area may be permanently douched due to ease of access, grade selection or notoriety. However, any crag can be temporarily douched by circumstance. In which case, potential areas are to be avoided on weekends, during school vacation weeks and holidays.
  2. A person who ruins your climbing day with his/her behavior. 
Example: We were gonna head up to Bonsai but then we saw that a pack of college kids had turned it into a douchecrag--they were hanging all over the routes and were playing dubstep through an ipod speaker.
A typical scene at a douchecrag. Note the lack of shirts, white boys throwing gang signs and headbands. Subject in foreground is staring at a girl's ass as she hangs on the rope.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Donkeylock to a figure-pi

The party was going great. That's until Fred started in about his epic ascent of the pink route.

The crowd starts slowly thinning out. Someone notices that the door frame has a thin edge, followed closely by the sudden discovery that it also has a weak attachment to the door. When you look up from the floor, brushing off the remains of 60 years of rotten plaster and looking through a haze of chalk, the office acquaintances have long since snuck away with your college friends, and the average level of general intelligibility and hygiene has dropped severely

Congratulations! You have successfully alienated almost everyone. But let's be honest, it's for the best. We can climb if we want to. We can leave your friends behind. 'Cause your friends don't climb, and if they don't climb, then they ain't no friends of mine.

But before you feel too proud of yourself, just remember one thing: alienating all your non-climber friends is easy; alienating climbers is a true test of crushnasticity. You need to up your verbal game.

Climb-speak is an unholy union of Sean Paul lyrics and the Jabberwocky being shouted by California frat boys. It changes annually, right around the time that Reel Rock tour hits your town, and gets exponentially stupider with every iteration. I swear to god I am going to drown a climbing camp kid in a bucket of vacuumed gym dust the next time I hear someone talk about how "splitter" the weather is.

In order to save us from ourselves, we have to make climbspeak sound so astoundingly stupid that no one could possibly use it. We would thus like to introduce the latest weapon in our holy war: "donkeylock to a figure-pi."

How to use it:

Situation #1: Mating season
That girl with the lulu lemon tights and the boyfriend you are ignoring is being flocked by a gaggle of beta-honking man-geese. Above the din, a voice is heard. "Donkeylock to a figure pi." At this point, one, maybe more, of four things will happen, 1) everyone will realize they sound like hyenas in heat and shut the fuck up, 2) she'll stop listening, 3) she'll fail to stop listening and get hilariously frustrated, or 4) people will chip in with more fabulous beta spray.

Situation #2: Silent insertion
Your friend wants a play-by-play spray down. Slip it into a long description of moves. The key here is discretion and subtlety. If you're on the ground, and there are motions going along with your beta, make sure that they are never the same twice when going over this section. The goal is to make it sound so obvious that he/she won't ask you what you are talking about, for fear of sounding uncool. Naturally, if he/she does ask, open up the heckle taps.

Situation #3: The head shot
Wait until your partner is already on route. Give excellent beta throughout the climb just until the crux, then let it rip. Savor the moment just as you partner loses it. If on the off chance they make the move and accidentally invent a donkeylock and figure pi, tell them their beta was stupid and wrong. NEVER admit defeat.

Show that beta dogger you're the alpha dog. Go forth and spray, my pretties.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Climbing blogs

Do you own a computer? Does your helmet have more climbing brand stickers than plastic? Do you actually think that people want to listen to you? You should start a blog! It's totally easy and will bring tons of meaning to your climbing and the internet will be really polite and will thank you for your contributions, right? Guys?

Tip #1: Don't fucking start a blog.
Seriously. Don't do it. If your blog is bad, it will eat your time, no one will read it, and you'll lose money. If your blog is good, it will eat your time, people will whine that you don't post enough, and you'll still lose money. We started this blog with the express purpose of getting dolla dolla bills y'all and getting laid. And since you're almost certainly a broke-ass dude in his mid twenties sporting a beard, I think I'll stick to the regular kind of masturbation.

Tip #2: Be insanely awesome
It's like the prom for internet climbers. If you want to get readers, you need to be awesome at climbing. We're talking so good as to break the very laws of physics. Daniel Woods, for example, is so awesome that he can have a tattoo on his back which is taller than him. Sasha DiGiulian has become the corporeal form of the color pink. Adam Ondra is technically a reanimated demon muppet freed from the bonds of his master's hand. Technically.

You'll need a pair of pecs large enough to give you back problems and at least one shirt with which to film yourself taking it off. You'll need sponsors, a crew of loyal photographers, an iphone with which to update your 8a.nu account, and your friend's fingers to count as high as the grades you'll be sending.

Unfortunately, since you, and everyone else, suck at climbing, your other option is being really witty. See #1 for details.

Tip #3: Yeah, you made a blog anyway
I've taken the liberty of paraphrasing your blog below:
April 17, 2006: ZOMG welcome to my new blog! Hurray! Not really sure what to write here. I love climbing sooooo much, it just feels so free and wonderful! LOLZ!
September 2, 2006: Hey guys, I know it's been a while since my last post! So I went on this EPIC climbing trip, and we totally didn't have headlamps and EPIC-ed. IT WAS EPIC!!!!! 
February 20, 2007: Man, I can't believe I haven't posted in forever! Sorry! I promise I'll post more soonsies!!!
End of blog.
Listen sloperslapper69,* no one wants to read your shit. Your blog is splattered with the word "epic" and cliches like it's the smelly kid at a paintball game, your adventure posts should begin with a disclaimer: "DO NOT operate heavy machinery after reading," and for fuck's sake learn the meaning of the word "brevity."

You should try making films instead. We hear that's easy.

* Has this not been taken yet?? I need that username NOW.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Advanced Fundraising Techniques for the Unskilled Climber

So you want to climb Denali, via the easiest route on the mountain, but don't have the money to afford it?  Why not get other people to pay for you?

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/769580206/mt-mckinley-denali-mountaineering-documentary-2014

Because if there's something the climbing world needs more than anything right now, is a 2-hour-long Go Pro video of you and your buddy huffing and puffing your way up the highest hike in North America.  And if I give you guys $5,000, I get to have you hold my hand up a California 14er (gear not included)?  Oooh boy, my wallet is a-flutter at the opportunity.


Here's an idea: how about you fund your own damn expedition?


Also, I'm glad you included your ability to boulder "V4/5" in your climbing resume.  That's going to come in super handy on the 13,000 foot snow slog.